Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Sole Mate

Mom once said that dating is like trying on shoes. Now I take it further. Some shoes look fabulous but give you blisters. Other shoes aren't much for appearances but feel awesome. And some shoes are AMAZING but you can't afford them.
But you know the shoe that best suits you is out there.
I've had some dates where my date and I wordlessly agreed that it wasn't happening. We were polite,  spoke as if we might speak again, and then neither of us did. Either side of the party doesn't necessarily have to do anything wrong the sparks simply don't fly.
Like trying on a shoe that seems like you should love it but when you look in the mirror it just isn't the right look. Be it personality or principles that don't match; that's okay. The journey is hit and miss. It just gets very tiring. Your socks get sweaty and stretched out after trying on shoes then you just feel hungry and want to go home. It was fun at the start but when you keep striking out you no longer look forward to it. But in the actual case of dating people my age don't have the necessity of fasting from dating like you can shopping. Lots of pressure.

Finding a sole mate or soul mate is work and sometimes it just rubs funny and you just want to run around in socks for a week to a few months after fruitless shopping sprees.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Groundhog Dating

Online dating reminds me of the movie Groundhog Day. It's about a meteorologist who goes to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to report on the Ground Hog Day festival but the freeway gets snowed in and he’s trapped there. The next day it’s Groundhog Day again and everything repeats exactly the same and he can’t escape. He’s there for an indeterminate amount of time re-living the same day over and over and he’s the only one who’s aware of it.
How is this like online dating?

Because you have to have the SAME conversation with different guys over and over and over and over.
What do you do with your time?
What’s your family like?
What are your dreams?
What’s your favorite shows, music?
Why do you dress up your sister’s cat?

I’ve only been through three online dating resources: LDS Singles, Tinder, and LDS Planet. It was virtual suffering for me.
First of all, (I don’t browse the women so I don’t know what their mistakes are but here are my observations of the men) Many have HORRIBLE profile pictures.
They look like they used their mug shot from prison. Stony faced, cold, threatening.
Other’s use shots of them from a distance. Yeeeeah. Are you saying I want to keep my distance for your first impression?

Basically, a good rule of thumb, gents, is eliminate anything that could make a girl browsing your profile say: “There’s a reason why.”
He’s hiding his hair, “There’s a reason why.”
He has no close ups of his face, “There’s a reason why.”
Why does he weigh 300 pounds?  “There’s a reason why.”
Basically, solve your big issues before publishing yourself. Lose weight for yourself, though, not for someone else. If you couldn’t lose weight for yourself what makes you think you’re going to improve for your spouse once you put a ring on her?  If you’re having problems with being attractive, find styles that enhance your best features. They say there’s no such thing as ugly women just poor women, so what about the guys? If you’re losing your hair and it’s making dating difficult, then make your baldness work for you. Shave off the comb over, and assume a style that suits it. If you’re uncomfortable with your shiny dome then she will be too. A good example of a guy who does it right is Vin Diesel. He owns baldness.
Here, something with good tips from Google: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Average-Guy-Attractive. DO your homework. Homework is the easy part. 

Dress alone can make or break success.
I heard a saying once: lingerie to men are suits to women. Which means, if panties on a woman make men swoon, a suit on a guy is going to make a woman swoon.

I’m not saying you have to dress up ALL the time, I’m talking about FIRST impressions. Because once you have her attention then she’ll probably like you in anything that doesn’t make you look like a total slob or hobo.
Like, once my grampa told my younger brother to wear a suit coat and he just wore it over a t-shirt. He had not only attention from girls but from impressed adults who commented on his snazziness.
It’s not hard to find solutions dudes. Women do it CONSTANTLY. Return the favor. 

What resulted in the happy ending for Phil Connors on Groundhog Day was interesting. After failed attempts to get the woman he had a crush on through many comedic methods, he tried to be exactly what she wanted in a man but she could tell it wasn’t real. He finally got her when he became a better man for his own sake then she fell in love with him because, incidentally, the best version of himself was exactly what she wanted.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Is Being a Cartoonist a Turn Off?

You know that meta-language that you pick up from your dates when you've said the wrong thing?
There's that sort of deflation in their countenance. They zone out suddenly when you talk. They start to seem like they're enduring your presence after your seemingly benign statement.
I've gotten that suprisingly frequently when I've mentioned that I draw cartoons.

(A little reference to Pixar's new film "Inside Out") (The award was just Best Editorial Cartoon for State High School Newspaper Competition)

I'm left to wonder what impression they have of cartoonists? Are cartoonists reputed for being weirdos or something? If that's the case, then I'm definitely a proud weirdo but no one who knows me has complained.

An after thought comic

Monday, January 12, 2015

Beauty and the Homely

What do people mean when they say: "Don't be so picky. They have great personalities"?
Are they on a charity mission for all the left over guys who weren't first picks for their looks?
Or are they telling me that I'm aiming too high for my own looks?
Or are they saying, "Sorry, we already married the hot ones. Good luck."

Because everyone who has told me that, without fail, had a hot spouse or boy friend.

My tiff here is, why am I expected to work so hard to look good but guys aren't being held to an equitable standard?  Even guys with natural good looks waste it through sheer laziness.

I already talked about coming from a macho family, but they are also a family of handsome people, cousins and all.
These aren't my words.
Every time a visitor would walk in and see the family portraits the first thing out of their mouth is: "Oh! You have a gorgeous family!" It's very flattering and annoying.
The annoying part started when my youngest brother was in....mmmm sixth grade and there was a neighbor who was smitten with him and LITERALLY every other sentence was, "Your brother is so HOT" Aaaaand, it was like that with many girlfriends since for all three brothers.

I worked at the dollar store for a year and a half in high school. When my brothers were going through jr. high and high school the kids from school would come in and say, "Hey! Are you so-and so's sister? Your brother is SO cute!" The annoying part ended when they all got married. (Sorry to disappoint ladies)

So, having that established, being comely in hygiene and dress for my family is important. I was a slow bloomer, I didn't wear make up till maybe my sophomore year because I thought the other girls looked like circus clowns. That and I was highly sensitive to how clothing fit. Any attractive clothing by default is usually uncomfortable. So it was all t-shirts and tennies for me. But, I painstakingly learned and adjusted to modest and attractive clothing even when I was ready to rip it off and burn it when it hiked up in the arm pits or was never long enough for my torso.

I learned how to do make up, an immaculate shave, primp, curl, and pamper. All because I would never attract the opposite gender if I didn't. For my brothers at least, looking good in the morning is easy.
If it's this easy for all guys, then WHY are they showing up for dates in shorts and flip flops with a three day old beard? I just spent an hour doing myself up to appease society's standard (within reason) they show up like I'm not worth ten minutes of their time even though they flirted their poor hearts out via text. What crawled up their tail pipe and died on the way over? (Their attitude upon arrival is a subject for another post.)

If it's shaving that's a pain then consider the difference of skin area that women versus men have to shave. There's got to be at least twelve square feet of skin on the legs to shave. Men's faces have what, half a foot? And let's not forget the arm pits, ladies who have to attend to the upper lip, the eye brows, arms, etc... so that can add up to nearly twenty square feet of skin women have to shave and the dudes can't shave a foot off their face? 
Haha. that sounded weird.

I think it's important to be attracted to your companion. What else would draw you together in the first place?  I think that's why the Disney classic "Beauty and the Beast" speaks to me. I grew up an ugly duckling so I know what its like to have guys' eyes glaze over and they stare at the air in front of you and they try to escape as politely as possible. Often not so polite. 

So now that I've put considerable effort into making myself "want-able" it seems unfair to have to drop or have LOW expectations for a potential spouse. It's like, taking a Ferrari and making it tow a dumpy camp trailer. Or having an Olympic athlete train for decades then expect him to dive into a kiddie pool and not have him be annoyed.

Basically, this rant is a ball of irritation caused by people telling me to lower my standards even though they didn't. Unless it was them that turned their homelies' into princes' but I doubt that.

Today's Men make Me feel Macho.

I hear blogs are therapeutic. But so are comics, so I'm doing both. I'm twenty-six and hating dating so here are my illustrated woe stories.

I grew up with three macho brothers, with a macho father, with macho grandfathers, and basically the epitome of manly men clear back to Joseph of Arimathea on my mother's side and very Scottish men on my father's side. In fact my fourth great grandfather saved his pioneer camp from a Native American war party with a birthday cake. How manly is that?

So maybe I have a slanted view of what it is to be a man but I often find myself despairing that there are no more REAL men around. Like...Agent Phil Coulson, kind of manly. Total gentleman, uncompromising principles, moral courage, resourceful, and able to knock out a jerk with one punch. He may not look like Thor but he didn't take several millennia and a traumatic banishment to grow up.

I question that maybe I have unrealistic views but then...when the guys I'm dating start making me feel manlier than them...then I wonder who's really wearing the pants and high heels.

I got the impression from my family that there were sets of skills that were the standard of manhood, just how in the old days the standard was hunting, maybe combat, farming, and building. You know, survival.
So the modern equivalent would be, reasonable degrees of auto-mechanics, plumbing and home architecture, Eagle Scout, and etiquette. But as I've dated I've found most of these guys are sorely unequipped for survival of the modern world, marriage, and family and they're well into adulthood.

Some might say. That's a lot to expect of a guy. Well what if I wouldn't ask anything I wouldn't do myself?  Which is where the problem of being more masculine than my dates comes in.

Since I couldn't go on scouts and I sorely wanted to, dad and I would do daddy daughter camps, just me and him and we did some crazy stuff out in the wilds. Like, ATV at midnight 40 mph while running over THOUSANDS of mice, racing rabbits, and narrowly avoiding hundreds of owls.

Then on family camps roughing it all the way with the bro's. You know, going a whole week without bathing, shaving. Getting blisters, bug bites. Building forts and fires, cutting wood, carving things with pocket knives, dutch oven, catching and gutting fish. Then when dad was a scout master he let me come on klondike. So I scouted as far as I could, even helped the bro's with their Eagle Scout projects in some cases.
Hey, it was my MOM that taught my dad, who later wrote the book on camping, how to fish.
(Kay, true story: My mom and I were fishing in dad's boat and I had her hold my pole so I could correct the direction we were puttering and then she gets bites on both poles at the same time. I was trying to keep us from running aground so she hooks both fish, then holds one pole between her legs, and reals in one fish. Then takes the other and reals in the second and essentially caught two fish at the same time. Who's your daddy now?)

So, when it comes to discussing camping with these dates I often find I surpass them in some areas and I think that challenges their pride. (Must be why the guys at youth conference hated me. I set up 5 spring bar tents before they set up one and I even repaired one in that time.)

Guys often give me the impression that I intimidate them. I don't try to, maybe I come across as macho. I kind of had to play macho to hang out with the bro's. Not like they were going to play stuffed animals or house after age eight. So I have many memories of playing Mortal Combat on the neighbor's trampoline, ninjas, wearing camo during night games. So maybe I'm macho.

One guy and I met on a train and he asked me out but he later revealed through the duration of the date that he was a dishonest stinker through multiple incidents. But the incident here was he reluctantly admitted that he was barely 19. I was 25. People say age shouldn't matter but to me it does if it makes me feel like an ancient being dating an infant on a trike.  I had been driving since 16 and had purchased my own little clunker and paid for the insurance and everything since. He had barely gotten his driver's license and was using his dad's car. It felt like prom. So maybe age wouldn't have mattered with this guy if honesty and etiquette didn't matter either. But the fact I was independent vehicularily since 16 and he was a legal adult and BARELY got his license made me again feel manlier than the boy I was dating.

I agree that some past standards of masculinity are unrealistic. Like, boys don't cry. That is SO unhealthy! Mama's boys usually make the best men. Home economics is not just for ladies; every guy should know how to iron a shirt and cook. That's just being independent.
But there are skills and principles that have been lost that shouldn't have been. Things that gave men honor, respect, and made them DANG attractive.
But for the entirety of my ten dating years I keep finding myself "out manning" my dates and that, ladies, is tragic.