Friday, October 9, 2015

The Wicked Ex-Wife of the West and Jacob Marley.

Divorce is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I try not to judge a guy that's gotten a divorce because I know very good people who have had the tragedy of going through one. So I decided to date a guy who revealed that he was divorced by briefly mentioning his kid. We didn't discuss it prior to the date and I didn't want it to be the subject of our date, the important feature was him and would I like him?
He picks me up, he's funny, vibrant, good manners, dressed nice. So far so good. We go to dinner and talk about our favorite things and have a nice time. But for me, that thing we didn't talk about was there leering at me.
The question of the wicked ex-wife of the West and Jacob Marley. Was it him or her or both that was the problem? Was she this hag and he was the poor unfortunate soul that would always have her to haunt him? Was he negligent of his role? Had he been the unkind one? Obviously the reasons are as diverse as there are species of munchkins and flying monkeys. But since I'm dating to find my mate these are essential things to ask. Because if I did fall for this guy what would I have to help him contend with?
Then of course the poor kid torn between them. If I came into this kid's life I would never and wouldn't want to replace his mother. But this fact, I often feel like, would hinder my ability to contribute to the well being of a step child if he chose to use it.
 I could see this poor guy covered with heavy chains that I felt inadequate to relieve. Aside from the fact he made me feel like a giraffe he was very nice but he could sense my reluctance in spite of my efforts to keep my concerns buried. He took me home, was equally kind in his send off and he left and I felt guilt like usual.
But I did make an honest effort to not let his past cloud my judgement but the fact we never discussed it is what, I think, left too much to a VERY active imagination.


After engaging in sci-fi speed dating at comic con and dating 3 guys in a row over the course of a week I find myself emotionally exhausted and feeling miserable.
Then I realize, dating makes me feel overwhelming guilt. No wonder I hate it so much.
It goes like this, first the poor guy works up the courage to call or text. We both put on our best faces and cordially chat and ask questions. Then one of us, usually him, works up more courage and suggests a date. We go out and he spends his hard earned money to feed and/or entertain us. But after these dates I just find I'm not interested and the guys have invested time and money on me that got them nothing.
To me if someone entreats you it is a gift. According to our culture a gift is only unconditional if its anonymous. So I feel indebted to these guys but don't want to continue with them. Then I feel guilty.
If they are still interested they text back, "oh we should do this again" *little hearts shooting our their heads*. Then I get mad because I feel that debt but I don't want to go out again. I try to be kind but guilt takes all valor out of a person. So then in outrage at my predicament I just stop texting and never respond. I feel like every conclusive response to let them down is only patronizing. So I feel helpless, fear retribution, and justice is against me because they spent money on me.
Then I feel like a horrible person and just feel mean, moody, and very sad.
I've done dates where I initiate it, pay for it, or make dinner myself. But again, cartoon hearts are shooting out their heads and they're hearing bells and I don't then I'm just irritated and still feel guilty. They've just taken a risk and thrown their little hearts at my feet and I feel like I have to step on it for either of us to move on.

I end up avoiding dating for a time while I recover emotionally. After a season alone I feel lonely because I don't have a dude but then when a dude actually wants to date I feel horrible dread.