The Pit

I think this phase in my life can be compared to a pit.

Spent 7 years in college doing 15 hour school days (and a part time job) and graduated with good grades. Spent my whole life collecting skills, knowledge, cultivating strong work ethic. Then after struggling and struggling, I'm nearly thirty and I can't get a job that pays enough to live on my own. All my friends are either married or doing their own 15 hour school days so I never see them. My depression has come back with a vengeance, things look bleak economically, socially, morally, internationally, politically, and spiritually. I'm in a dark place that feels hopeless: thus a pit.

I know I'm not the only one in a dark place, this well may be the curse of my generation. Well meaning people look into the hole and try to give encouragement or self help books but none of it helps. Even spiritual sermons and messages feel patronizing to the indescribable pain and hopelessness we feel.
Basically, it all means nothing to someone who just needs a ladder.

Sometimes, it seems the people who could do the most good or help are the most flaky. They never keep their word, conveniently forget till you give up, or start a little then never finish. This has culminated into a big problem that has simply been chronic these days. People not keeping their word or being flakes. If people simply kept their commitments so much more good could be accomplished. If you're chronically flaky, stop making commitments you won't keep.

There are others who are pit dwellers themselves and are deep in pain and despair and can barely handle their own problems. But sometimes they contribute to the misery of others exponentially.

 Now, obviously, solving life is more complicated than this metaphor. In these cases, a solve all like a ladder doesn't exist. But sometimes a lot of little helps can do so much.

The little helps of course vary from person to person. The hard part is recognizing when hell yawned open under someone and swallowed. Some problems are so big we all feel helpless and feel nothing we can do will help. But sometimes, offering your mite can do more than can be understood. Making time for the lonely, keeping your word, keep an eye out for better jobs for them, help them with some of their basic domestics they've fallen behind on, if you're mechanically inclined help them with their car, lots of hugs, words of affirmation, or gestures of kindness. But it starts with awareness, keeping your word, and making time. All of which are in short supply in our society. But with a collective effort, rescues can be made.

2 Fast 2 Bad

My grandparents had a saying: You can tell a man by the way he keeps his horse. Yeah, but you can also learn some things by the way he rides it.
I've had quite a few dates where guys were nice but they drove like maniacs. Your date shouldn't fear for their life once your foot hits the gas pedal.
I once dated a guy from another country who you could tell didn't know our traffic laws, I wondered if he was driving legally. I think he did at least five illegal u-turns just on the way to dinner with cars honking at him and stuff. Super nice guy though but I didn't want to get back in the car.

Another guy I dated wouldn't keep his eyes on the road.

 

Some guys' date jitters manifest behind the wheel in a hazardous way. 

Then some guys drove super slow ticking off everyone around them.

And then you get the classic problem of guys who have no idea where they are going, have not planned ahead, and drive frantically around and around trying to figure out where to go. When I get buckled into these situations I picture what a life time of back seat driving would be like with these guys.

A Zombie Pun

Skin Hunger

The epidermis is the largest organ of the human body comprising of about 24 square feet and weighs 6 pounds. A square inch of skin has (if accurate) 19 yards of nerve endings. Its impressively complex.
Now, when you hear "skin hunger" you might think: malnutrition. Skin needs vitamin D, E, oils, moisture, etcetera to be healthy. But what skin hunger refers to emotional starvation from lack of psychical touch.
( This article talks about how touch affects metabolism, kind a cool: http://www.nytimes.com/1988/02/02/science/the-experience-of-touch-research-points-to-a-critical-role.html?pagewanted=all)

It's just like stomach hunger in the way that you don't know you're hungry until you're empty.

The sensation of skin hunger is hard to describe. When its at its worst it feels like the very surface of my skin sort of bristles or stings very subtly. A strange sort of ache almost. But this is a bodily sensation too, the muscles feel anxious but without energy, the heart feels clenched and lonely. 

 This is a pretty prevalent problem in the digital age. People don't need to physically communicate anymore. But what has resulted are young adults age 20+ who are emotionally starved because they can go months and years without meaningful human touch. Basically, no hugs. I read somewhere (you can look it up yourself) that there are hugging clubs where people go to get hugs because they are so deprived. One person acts as a life-hug-guard to make sure things stay appropriate.

As a single lady, this is a basic fact of life. I go to work and I sit alone in a small climate controlled room for 8 hours then go to a empty house and occupy myself with projects. At church I get to shake hands. Yippee. 
To remedy this I sometimes beg for back tickles from family.

 

 

To be clear, tickling is the gentle caress of the finger tips or nails not a distracted pat or rub that tapers off after thirty seconds.

One time while watching TV with my niece, her hair tickling my chin almost put me asleep because it felt so good.

I'd like to think snuggling with my fluffy kitty would help but its about as nourishing as hugging a fuzzy blanket. Apparently fur doesn't count. So when you see your loved ones be sure to give them good hugs, kisses, and caresses because it nourishes to the core.

The Deprovert

Some people are a super nova of social energy. Like a swarm of puppies contained in the soul of a single person, they just have to meet everyone and be their friend. They're beloved by all and are sought out by head hunters for jobs.

And then there's the introverts.

And the introverts with depression. Lets call it a deprovert.

And then put a nova-person into the same room as a deprovert...

It sucks the deproverts soul right out leaving them in a whimpering huddle.
But that's worst case scenario. Don't get me started on a depressed/anxiety/introvert. Or Angstdropert.

A depressed introvert has finite emotional energy and in relationships that are emotionally depreciative a deprovert will inevitable withdraw for their own emotional health.

Dates are as bad as interviews if not worse because, as I mentioned in previous posts, the side effects can be guilt ridden.

At the beginning the deprovert is hopeful, engaging, throwing themselves out there trying to make it work.

But if it ain't jiving then the deprovert's emtional bank account is overdrawn. Or in other words, the two personalities simply didn't mesh and there was no emotional deposit.

After a series of unrewarding dates which leave average people un-phased, this is emotionally devastating for a deprovert.  They can spend months recovering. (or how ever long it takes for memories to fall off into the void.)

This is the Black Hole of dating, emotions get sucked right out of a person and never return. They are slowly regrown or nurtured back by supporting loved ones. (Warning, encouraging more dating before a deprovert is recovered is as good as sticking a vacuum hose up their nose and sucking out what little energy they recovered. They need your love more than suggestions.)

In these instances be kind, not helpful.

The Wicked Ex-Wife of the West and Jacob Marley.

Divorce is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I try not to judge a guy that's gotten a divorce because I know very good people who have had the tragedy of going through one. So I decided to date a guy who revealed that he was divorced by briefly mentioning his kid. We didn't discuss it prior to the date and I didn't want it to be the subject of our date, the important feature was him and would I like him?
He picks me up, he's funny, vibrant, good manners, dressed nice. So far so good. We go to dinner and talk about our favorite things and have a nice time. But for me, that thing we didn't talk about was there leering at me.

The question of the wicked ex-wife of the West and Jacob Marley. Was it him or her or both that was the problem? Was she this hag and he was the poor unfortunate soul that would always have her to haunt him? Was he negligent of his role? Had he been the unkind one? Obviously the reasons are as diverse as there are species of munchkins and flying monkeys. But since I'm dating to find my mate these are essential things to ask. Because if I did fall for this guy what would I have to help him contend with?
Then of course the poor kid torn between them. If I came into this kid's life I would never and wouldn't want to replace his mother. But this fact, I often feel like, would hinder my ability to contribute to the well being of a step child if he chose to use it.

 

 I could see this poor guy covered with heavy chains that I felt inadequate to relieve. Aside from the fact he made me feel like a giraffe he was very nice but he could sense my reluctance in spite of my efforts to keep my concerns buried. He took me home, was equally kind in his send off and he left and I felt guilt like usual.

But I did make an honest effort to not let his past cloud my judgement but the fact we never discussed it is what, I think, left too much to a VERY active imagination.

GUILT

After engaging in sci-fi speed dating at comic con and dating 3 guys in a row over the course of a week I find myself emotionally exhausted and feeling miserable.
Why?
Then I realize, dating makes me feel overwhelming guilt. No wonder I hate it so much.
It goes like this, first the poor guy works up the courage to call or text. We both put on our best faces and cordially chat and ask questions. Then one of us, usually him, works up more courage and suggests a date. We go out and he spends his hard earned money to feed and/or entertain us. But after these dates I just find I'm not interested and the guys have invested time and money on me that got them nothing.
To me if someone entreats you it is a gift. According to our culture a gift is only unconditional if its anonymous. So I feel indebted to these guys but don't want to continue with them. Then I feel guilty.

If they are still interested they text back, "oh we should do this again" *little hearts shooting our their heads*. Then I get mad because I feel that debt but I don't want to go out again. I try to be kind but guilt takes all valor out of a person. So then in outrage at my predicament I just stop texting and never respond. I feel like every conclusive response to let them down is only patronizing. So I feel helpless, fear retribution, and justice is against me because they spent money on me.

Then I feel like a horrible person and just feel mean, moody, and very sad.

I've done dates where I initiate it, pay for it, or make dinner myself. But again, cartoon hearts are shooting out their heads and they're hearing bells and I don't then I'm just irritated and still feel guilty. They've just taken a risk and thrown their little hearts at my feet and I feel like I have to step on it for either of us to move on.

I end up avoiding dating for a time while I recover emotionally. After a season alone I feel lonely because I don't have a dude but then when a dude actually wants to date I feel horrible dread.