The Death of Dating

In our grandparents and parents days in high school, continuous dating was not considered to be a gesture of commitment or intimacy. It was getting to know each other and having a good time.
But somehow, the term 'dating' and 'going steady' have become synonymous to millennials.

Now going on more than one date is considered committing to each other or having a relationship. So to avoid this, millennials prefer to hang out, because that's more noncommittal than dating. The result is the first date has become this do-or-die, Russian roulette of first impressions. Its as bad as a job interview, if its not a flawless performance there is no second date.

No wonder people are terrified to ask each other out, it feels like one inch from a proposal.

I think there are two culprits. Parents and Hollywood.
The reason why I think parents have contributed to this is because of their dialogue with us before or after a date.

I find family tends to think about marriage the second you even mention you're going out. Their dialogue makes it feel like an arranged marriage and effectively kills a fun night out because you've been conditioned to think of one thing.

Hollywood, on the other hand is notorious for depicting adult like romantic relationships between kids! It makes it seem like if you so much as come into proximity with the opposite gender sparks are gonna start flying. That and I think they contributed to making the terminology all mesh into one. Dating, going steady, and so on, now have no distinction especially where Hollywood thinks a first date also includes sex which in my personal belief should come after marriage. No wonder its hard to be alone with each other. We don't want intimacy and committed relationships right off the bat!
I don't know whether the traditional date can ever be restored to its original purpose and interpretation, but as of now, its become an ineffective form for many of us to meet new people.

Sewage vs Magic

I really don't think people really consider the potency behind words. They seem to feel that because words are intangible they don't affect people.
Just like throwing sewage in someone's lap shouldn't affect them, right?

Same with youtubing.

If we treated our words like pointing a gun at people, we would probably take a lot more care in watching when we pull the trigger, where it's pointed, and what we have in the barrel. That's why they call it "shooting your mouth off".

I've dated a number of people who exercised so little restraint on their language in their private lives that in a formal setting they couldn't stop bombs from slipping even when they were trying.

On the flip side, people who are well practiced in their linguistic conduct can't stop wonderful things from slipping. Clever, disciplined boys really know how to work magic with their words.

Once I was having a normal conversation with a second cousin when...

He didn't know it but it had been so long since I'd had such a nice thing said to me from a guy that I went off and cried. And I cry every time I think back to it.
I'm disappointed (as an understatement) how classless and crass people have become and there's nothing attractive about a sound that equates to an audible stench, coming from a person's mouth.

The Pit

I think this phase in my life can be compared to a pit.

Spent 7 years in college doing 15 hour school days (and a part time job) and graduated with good grades. Spent my whole life collecting skills, knowledge, cultivating strong work ethic. Then after struggling and struggling, I'm nearly thirty and I can't get a job that pays enough to live on my own. All my friends are either married or doing their own 15 hour school days so I never see them. My depression has come back with a vengeance, things look bleak economically, socially, morally, internationally, politically, and spiritually. I'm in a dark place that feels hopeless: thus a pit.

I know I'm not the only one in a dark place, this well may be the curse of my generation. Well meaning people look into the hole and try to give encouragement or self help books but none of it helps. Even spiritual sermons and messages feel patronizing to the indescribable pain and hopelessness we feel.
Basically, it all means nothing to someone who just needs a ladder.

Sometimes, it seems the people who could do the most good or help are the most flaky. They never keep their word, conveniently forget till you give up, or start a little then never finish. This has culminated into a big problem that has simply been chronic these days. People not keeping their word or being flakes. If people simply kept their commitments so much more good could be accomplished. If you're chronically flaky, stop making commitments you won't keep.

There are others who are pit dwellers themselves and are deep in pain and despair and can barely handle their own problems. But sometimes they contribute to the misery of others exponentially.

 Now, obviously, solving life is more complicated than this metaphor. In these cases, a solve all like a ladder doesn't exist. But sometimes a lot of little helps can do so much.

The little helps of course vary from person to person. The hard part is recognizing when hell yawned open under someone and swallowed. Some problems are so big we all feel helpless and feel nothing we can do will help. But sometimes, offering your mite can do more than can be understood. Making time for the lonely, keeping your word, keep an eye out for better jobs for them, help them with some of their basic domestics they've fallen behind on, if you're mechanically inclined help them with their car, lots of hugs, words of affirmation, or gestures of kindness. But it starts with awareness, keeping your word, and making time. All of which are in short supply in our society. But with a collective effort, rescues can be made.

2 Fast 2 Bad

My grandparents had a saying: You can tell a man by the way he keeps his horse. Yeah, but you can also learn some things by the way he rides it.
I've had quite a few dates where guys were nice but they drove like maniacs. Your date shouldn't fear for their life once your foot hits the gas pedal.
I once dated a guy from another country who you could tell didn't know our traffic laws, I wondered if he was driving legally. I think he did at least five illegal u-turns just on the way to dinner with cars honking at him and stuff. Super nice guy though but I didn't want to get back in the car.

Another guy I dated wouldn't keep his eyes on the road.

 

Some guys' date jitters manifest behind the wheel in a hazardous way. 

Then some guys drove super slow ticking off everyone around them.

And then you get the classic problem of guys who have no idea where they are going, have not planned ahead, and drive frantically around and around trying to figure out where to go. When I get buckled into these situations I picture what a life time of back seat driving would be like with these guys.

A Zombie Pun

Skin Hunger

The epidermis is the largest organ of the human body comprising of about 24 square feet and weighs 6 pounds. A square inch of skin has (if accurate) 19 yards of nerve endings. Its impressively complex.
Now, when you hear "skin hunger" you might think: malnutrition. Skin needs vitamin D, E, oils, moisture, etcetera to be healthy. But what skin hunger refers to emotional starvation from lack of psychical touch.
( This article talks about how touch affects metabolism, kind a cool: http://www.nytimes.com/1988/02/02/science/the-experience-of-touch-research-points-to-a-critical-role.html?pagewanted=all)

It's just like stomach hunger in the way that you don't know you're hungry until you're empty.

The sensation of skin hunger is hard to describe. When its at its worst it feels like the very surface of my skin sort of bristles or stings very subtly. A strange sort of ache almost. But this is a bodily sensation too, the muscles feel anxious but without energy, the heart feels clenched and lonely. 

 This is a pretty prevalent problem in the digital age. People don't need to physically communicate anymore. But what has resulted are young adults age 20+ who are emotionally starved because they can go months and years without meaningful human touch. Basically, no hugs. I read somewhere (you can look it up yourself) that there are hugging clubs where people go to get hugs because they are so deprived. One person acts as a life-hug-guard to make sure things stay appropriate.

As a single lady, this is a basic fact of life. I go to work and I sit alone in a small climate controlled room for 8 hours then go to a empty house and occupy myself with projects. At church I get to shake hands. Yippee. 
To remedy this I sometimes beg for back tickles from family.

 

 

To be clear, tickling is the gentle caress of the finger tips or nails not a distracted pat or rub that tapers off after thirty seconds.

One time while watching TV with my niece, her hair tickling my chin almost put me asleep because it felt so good.

I'd like to think snuggling with my fluffy kitty would help but its about as nourishing as hugging a fuzzy blanket. Apparently fur doesn't count. So when you see your loved ones be sure to give them good hugs, kisses, and caresses because it nourishes to the core.

The Deprovert

Some people are a super nova of social energy. Like a swarm of puppies contained in the soul of a single person, they just have to meet everyone and be their friend. They're beloved by all and are sought out by head hunters for jobs.

And then there's the introverts.

And the introverts with depression. Lets call it a deprovert.

And then put a nova-person into the same room as a deprovert...

It sucks the deproverts soul right out leaving them in a whimpering huddle.
But that's worst case scenario. Don't get me started on a depressed/anxiety/introvert. Or Angstdropert.

A depressed introvert has finite emotional energy and in relationships that are emotionally depreciative a deprovert will inevitable withdraw for their own emotional health.

Dates are as bad as interviews if not worse because, as I mentioned in previous posts, the side effects can be guilt ridden.

At the beginning the deprovert is hopeful, engaging, throwing themselves out there trying to make it work.

But if it ain't jiving then the deprovert's emtional bank account is overdrawn. Or in other words, the two personalities simply didn't mesh and there was no emotional deposit.

After a series of unrewarding dates which leave average people un-phased, this is emotionally devastating for a deprovert.  They can spend months recovering. (or how ever long it takes for memories to fall off into the void.)

This is the Black Hole of dating, emotions get sucked right out of a person and never return. They are slowly regrown or nurtured back by supporting loved ones. (Warning, encouraging more dating before a deprovert is recovered is as good as sticking a vacuum hose up their nose and sucking out what little energy they recovered. They need your love more than suggestions.)

In these instances be kind, not helpful.