Friday, October 9, 2015


After engaging in sci-fi speed dating at comic con and dating 3 guys in a row over the course of a week I find myself emotionally exhausted and feeling miserable.
Then I realize, dating makes me feel overwhelming guilt. No wonder I hate it so much.
It goes like this, first the poor guy works up the courage to call or text. We both put on our best faces and cordially chat and ask questions. Then one of us, usually him, works up more courage and suggests a date. We go out and he spends his hard earned money to feed and/or entertain us. But after these dates I just find I'm not interested and the guys have invested time and money on me that got them nothing.
To me if someone entreats you it is a gift. According to our culture a gift is only unconditional if its anonymous. So I feel indebted to these guys but don't want to continue with them. Then I feel guilty.
If they are still interested they text back, "oh we should do this again" *little hearts shooting our their heads*. Then I get mad because I feel that debt but I don't want to go out again. I try to be kind but guilt takes all valor out of a person. So then in outrage at my predicament I just stop texting and never respond. I feel like every conclusive response to let them down is only patronizing. So I feel helpless, fear retribution, and justice is against me because they spent money on me.
Then I feel like a horrible person and just feel mean, moody, and very sad.
I've done dates where I initiate it, pay for it, or make dinner myself. But again, cartoon hearts are shooting out their heads and they're hearing bells and I don't then I'm just irritated and still feel guilty. They've just taken a risk and thrown their little hearts at my feet and I feel like I have to step on it for either of us to move on.

I end up avoiding dating for a time while I recover emotionally. After a season alone I feel lonely because I don't have a dude but then when a dude actually wants to date I feel horrible dread.

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